Ten Common Mistakes Adoptive Parents Make When Adopting Privately in Canada
- They don't research the adoption laws in their province enough.
- They look for guarantees.
- They invest too much of themselves too early in the process.
- They make snap decisions based on limited information.
- They don't know when to walk away from a situation.
- They don't treat their birth mother like a real person.
- They afraid of asking their birth mothers hard questions for fear that they'll scare her away.
- They don't realize that even though the birth mother may live faraway, her child's connection to her will never disappear.
- They don't realize that birth mother will become part of their extended family.
- They make promises they have no intention of keeping
The Costs
The fees for a private domestic adoption vary considerably and can run anywhere from about $6,000 to about $12,000. The variation depends on how quickly or easily you can find a child, what method you use to do this, and where the child lives. Conducting your own search through the Internet or newspaper classifieds, for instance, will in most cases be less expensive than going through a private agency. But in some provinces, direct advertising and placement may not be possible so make sure you speak to your individual adoption licensee or agency first.
Going down more than one road at a time -- say, signing up with an agency and an online service like Canada Adopts! -- will add to your costs, but it will also increase your chances of finding a child.
Like many people, you may choose to search for your child yourself, but have an agency finalize the adoption or conduct the home study for you. Whatever route you take, eventually you'll need to get your adoption finalized by an adoption licensee, whether s/he works independently or through an agency.
In fact, that's where most of your fees will go -- to cover legal and administrative costs. Depending on where your birth mother lives, there may also be some travelling and lodging expenses involved. Remember, the birth mother does not get paid for the placement nor is she allowed to receive any kind of incentive, gift, financial inducement or compensation for making her decision. You can't even buy her a cup of coffee or flowers at the hospital.
Also remember that as the prospective adoptive parents, you will be responsible for covering all of the birth mother's and father's counselling fees, whether or not they decide to go through with the adoption. So make sure you're confident of your choice of birth parents.
Advantages
Most waiting couples choose private domestic adoption because they want a healthy newborn. If your biggest concern is your baby's health, then this is probably your best route. As part of the process, you'll have access to the medical and social history of your child's parents. If you'd like, you can ask them questions about it and in many cases you'll even meet them.
As a result of your open relationship with your child's parents, your child's heritage will never be in doubt. You -- and eventually, s/he -- will know who his/her parents were and how s/he came to be part of your family. This will be important later when your child grows up and starts asking questions about his identity.
Besides being medically less risky than an overseas adoption, a private domestic adopion could be less expensive as well. In the end, it will all hinge on:
- how fussy you are
- the kind of child you're interested in adopting
- your time frame
- your financial resources
- plain dumb luck
If you live in a province where advertising is permitted, you also have the option of having more control over the process and in facing a potentially shorter waiting period.
Disadvantages
The biggest downside to private domestic adoption is the lack of available newborns. The vast majority of women today who have an unplanned pregnancy either terminate it or decide to raise their child themselves.
Nobody knows exactly how many birth mothers in Canada place their newborns for adoption each year. It's been said that we keep better track of our used cars than we do of our children. The number is thought to be in the hundreds rather than in the thousands, with the lion's share -- 300 to 400 -- originating in Ontario.
If you really want to be a parent and you're not prepared to wait, then this isn't the route for you. International adoption is. Then again, don't get too discouraged. Sure, there may not be many birth mothers available. But remember, all you need is one to start a family.
The other major risk is, of course, that the birth mother could change her mind and decide to raise her baby herself. There are restrictions as to when she can do this, but for many hopeful parents that's not enough of a safeguard. In fact, many people feel uncomfortable about going through an open adoption and knowing that their child will have another set of parents.
And lastly, as with any baby, there's no guarantee that yours won't have health problems.
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